Me

I recently have had my fourth child and have been feeling overwhelmed and waking up to feeling my whole body ache and feel weak but having to keep going, keep moving, keep smiling.
I would get up, make breakfast, lunch, dinners, do the washing, feed a newborn, invest my energy and time into the business, my relationships with family and friends, clients. I would help with kids homework, school, their problems, anxieties, worries, joys, blissful moments....................................... It was a continuous stream of events and I was asking myself when do I get to stop.
I found myself catching a breath when everyone was asleep or the house was quiet and would find myself crying but reminding myself that I can do this, I have done this 3 times before, its just busy , its just been a shitty day, the baby is just unsettled....... There was always just something. Then continuing to clean the house, work, prepare the day, meals, do errands and just do what needed to be done.
I had a new baby who cried all day and was unsettled with colic and reflux so I tried every moment to help him. It was hard but I kept trying.
So I saw booked in to see my kineasiologist for Ryah.
I went there excited, I was going there with hope  that she may ease his pain and why hadn't I done this earlier.
I was there to aid in his feelings but as soon as we began to talk the light was shone on me and I discovered I was there for me just as much as Ryah.
I was down, depressed, grieving, heart broken, in despair. It was taking courage every moment of the day to keep going and I would hide it very well.
These were just some of the feelings that came up in the session and I was gob smacked. Wow, this is me and I cant hide these feelings and emotions, they were pouring out hard and fast and I was able to acknowledge all of  them.
My kineasiologist suggested I may have post natal depression.
I am a person to keep so much close to my heart and deal with it in my own way and then quietly filter my feelings.
With so much happening in my life and so many people needing me I could not filter my thoughts, I could not find myself.
We talked and scheduled another visit and again that second visit just let me realise and acknowledge my feelings. I don't think I have depression, I believe I harboured all my feelings inside only to allow them to grow bigger and stronger and at such a delicate time in my life after bringing a precious little soul into this world only made it more overwhelming.

My body is feeling better, not as sore and weak, my feet want to touch the ground in the morning and get out of bed. I am making time for me to go for a walk, to write in this space, to bake, to watch a movie, to sit and talk to Craig again and laugh, go out for breakfast, sing with the kids and walk each afternoon which is my favourite time together with them all, to walk and talk as the sun is setting.
To share, to off load, to acknowledge how I feel and to not apologise for this has been wonderful.

This is the present moment I am going through, I don't need to balance it all. Who can balance everything, it is impossible but I can remind myself to be in the present moment and walk through it with an open heart.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow, tonight, next week.
The past has happened, the future is not here. The experiences, moments and relationships have come to me, for me, so I can blossom, let my soul grow and learn.